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Crap… It’s Happened…

Crap… It’s Happened…

Last week I went to an incredible conference with some amazing people and heard some super brilliant people talk – Anna Meares and Justin Jones, just to name two. I came away inspired, as I always do when I speak with, interact, and listen to people who have achieved amazing things. Just like I am sure you do!

I am home again now, and I started to feel the usual fatigue and low after a great event (but that is a story for another time). However, this seemed to be a little “more” than usual. Long story short I have tested positive for COVID. Yep, the insecurities, issues, and worries from the past two years have snowballed, and I am now hibernating (aka) isolating at home. To be honest, I have been waiting for this to happen. I have taken so many precautions over the last two years. I still wear a mask in public. Yes, I am a stress head, but I have come to terms with that.

Now I can feel and hear those little gremlins talking at the back of my mind. Placing those doubts in there. Telling me, I am not good enough. That all of my training will be for nothing. That I will lose everything. That I will be back at square one. Truth be known, I am struggling to keep those little voices at bay. These little voices have been there for a while now, but they are louder now that I can’t train.

What do I do when I hear these little voices. I eat my feelings. Not in a good way. With foods in copious amounts that are not in balance with where I need them to be or where my body needs them to be. So I am also currently sitting at what is dangerously close to my heaviest weight right now. Why is it vital for me to mention this? So you can get an understanding of what is going through my head. What it means internally for me. The emotional eating, the weight gain, the no training last week and the no training this week due to COVID combine into a perfect storm for me.

The perfect storm for those little gremlin voices to eat away at me. Tear me down and tell me I am not good enough. I am too fat, too slow, not worthy, not fast enough, not good enough. That I can’t achieve what I want to achieve. That I can’t run the distance that I want to run. That I can’t lose the weight I need to lose for my health. That I can’t run this business to support you, awesome people. That I am just not enough.

These gremlins are nasty. Horrible things surface for me from time to time. Especially when things are not going well. I know that part of this is because of not being well and not training. I also know that I can’t do it alone as much as I want to change and get better at everything. The only way I can improve is to take tiny forward steps. The feeling of even seeing part of what I need to do is terrifying. Each small step fills me with terror, and when I over analyse it – which I am prone to do – it freezes me with fear. I know what I have to do first. Rest, let my body heal, recover and fight COVID.

I am allowed to panic. I am allowed to freak out about what lies ahead, the hard work, the fear and possibly blood, sweat and tears. What I do promise to myself is to ask for help. To lean on my Super Coach to kick my butt and get back on track. To depend on my family – blood and chosen to help me achieve those things I want to achieve. As long as I take small steps and get help as and when I need I can accomplish these things! I know that not all progress will be forward. I am pretty certain some of it will involve me being in the foetal position in the corner wondering what the hell I am doing.

I am sure I am not alone in this – even if my current freakout and fall apart is about being COVID positive that is not always the catalyst. My big things that I am going to keep reminding myself are that I am not alone. It’s ok to stop, pause, take stock, rest and then move forward.

I would love to know what your strategies are for getting over thoese moments where all you want to do is fall apart?


6 thoughts on “Crap… It’s Happened…”

  1. Stuart Boak

    Terrible news Sa.
    Hope you’re doing better soon.

    Same for me. Had to nurse a “bit of a muscle” tweak through November, got sick with stomach bug at Christmas then after our New Year holiday in Tassie, come home with COVID.
    I was already struggling with our friend “the scales”.
    Struggled to recover from the virus, and since then – yes, 3 months!!, I’ve been forced to take it slow because my fitness was at absolute zero.

    Just told myself that 5 years ago I did Couch to 5km, and this would have to be much the same process.

    Stick to the small gains. Two steps forward and one step back is still progress!!!

    Hope to see you soon!!!

    1. SarahLovison

      Hey mate you are spot on! My inner mantra is literally even if its slow, it isn’t pretty and its hard forward baby steps are still progress. We can both do this!

  2. Unfortunately it’s not a matter of if but when we all are going to catch covid.
    Hope that you get well soon.

    the mental inner dialogue is semi familiar, when I got back into running I injured my foot, lid franc injury and I spent the next 18mths in and out of moon boots, and an operation.

    since you have acknowledged this situation you have struggled with, and putting in out onto paper so to speak should make it quieter in your mind. Silly as it sounds but starting a basic daily log of foods, moods etc and basic goals should eleviate things and hold you to account.
    I got one from Craig Harper’s website as it is all laid out ready to go.
    the voices will still be there but gives you some structure

    1. SarahLovison

      I love that idea and I agree I think it is only a matter of when not if. I am the first to admit though I am not very good at being the one that is unwell – I am glad that mostly my COVID attack seems to be mild overall. For that I am thankful. I think that logging sounds like a great idea for me I am going to go and look into it now. Thank you! It is time to put those inner gremlins to rest!

  3. He guys its even hard for a person who is no where near as fit as yourselves to feel that you are improving a little along the way. But as Stuart said rest first then small steps is a start and add in some positive thinking. The positive thinking can be harder (at times) than the physical pain of training. I imagined wearing a pair of stilettos (hahahah), shaking off the gremlins and stabbing them with the 4″ heels. If only it was that easy eh!! Good things do happen to great people like yourself Sarah and I am sure there are many good things to come!!

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