Last week I went to an incredible conference with some amazing people and heard some super brilliant people talk – Anna Meares and Justin Jones, just to name two. I came away inspired, as I always do when I speak with, interact, and listen to people who have achieved amazing things. Just like I am sure you do!
I am home again now, and I started to feel the usual fatigue and low after a great event (but that is a story for another time). However, this seemed to be a little “more” than usual. Long story short I have tested positive for COVID. Yep, the insecurities, issues, and worries from the past two years have snowballed, and I am now hibernating (aka) isolating at home. To be honest, I have been waiting for this to happen. I have taken so many precautions over the last two years. I still wear a mask in public. Yes, I am a stress head, but I have come to terms with that.
Now I can feel and hear those little gremlins talking at the back of my mind. Placing those doubts in there. Telling me, I am not good enough. That all of my training will be for nothing. That I will lose everything. That I will be back at square one. Truth be known, I am struggling to keep those little voices at bay. These little voices have been there for a while now, but they are louder now that I can’t train.
What do I do when I hear these little voices. I eat my feelings. Not in a good way. With foods in copious amounts that are not in balance with where I need them to be or where my body needs them to be. So I am also currently sitting at what is dangerously close to my heaviest weight right now. Why is it vital for me to mention this? So you can get an understanding of what is going through my head. What it means internally for me. The emotional eating, the weight gain, the no training last week and the no training this week due to COVID combine into a perfect storm for me.
The perfect storm for those little gremlin voices to eat away at me. Tear me down and tell me I am not good enough. I am too fat, too slow, not worthy, not fast enough, not good enough. That I can’t achieve what I want to achieve. That I can’t run the distance that I want to run. That I can’t lose the weight I need to lose for my health. That I can’t run this business to support you, awesome people. That I am just not enough.
These gremlins are nasty. Horrible things surface for me from time to time. Especially when things are not going well. I know that part of this is because of not being well and not training. I also know that I can’t do it alone as much as I want to change and get better at everything. The only way I can improve is to take tiny forward steps. The feeling of even seeing part of what I need to do is terrifying. Each small step fills me with terror, and when I over analyse it – which I am prone to do – it freezes me with fear. I know what I have to do first. Rest, let my body heal, recover and fight COVID.
I am allowed to panic. I am allowed to freak out about what lies ahead, the hard work, the fear and possibly blood, sweat and tears. What I do promise to myself is to ask for help. To lean on my Super Coach to kick my butt and get back on track. To depend on my family – blood and chosen to help me achieve those things I want to achieve. As long as I take small steps and get help as and when I need I can accomplish these things! I know that not all progress will be forward. I am pretty certain some of it will involve me being in the foetal position in the corner wondering what the hell I am doing.
I am sure I am not alone in this – even if my current freakout and fall apart is about being COVID positive that is not always the catalyst. My big things that I am going to keep reminding myself are that I am not alone. It’s ok to stop, pause, take stock, rest and then move forward.
I would love to know what your strategies are for getting over thoese moments where all you want to do is fall apart?